You: You know you can tell me anything, right?
Me: Yeah.
Hey, it’s me, you there? I’ve been thinking about you. About us, I guess. I was thinking about how we’d sit in the booth. You’d tell me to keep my hoodie behind my ears. Maybe you’ll hear something. You’d tell me that a lot.
You’d tell me to smile more, that I’ve got such a pretty face and I should know how to use it. You said, smile, there’s so many things you could think to grin about. Bare your teeth more, where’s your fighting spirit? Just think of all the meanings you’re able to change and play with while interacting with people. Nothing but a trick, some cheap sleight of hand. Anyone can learn, even you. Even me.
I’d say, I don’t think I can do it today. You know I have trouble keeping my true feelings hidden. Best keep my mouth shut, for now. I shouldn’t say things I’ll regret.
You’d tell me that it’s no good, no good at all. That’s what you said last time! Don’t think you can fool others, or me, by being like a grave. Least of all yourself. You’ve got to be a bit smarter than that. If only it were that easy! But the sound leaks out. It rumbles from inside you, like hunger. You can’t hide what’s inside, only what’s outside, remember that.
I’d say, but I’m not smart. I’ve got nothing for you, so why cling to me?
You’d tell me you get quite intrigued when people don’t answer questions. Something silly about how people only become more naked when they put just socks on.
You’d tell me so many things, you’d always talk circles around me, always making my head spin. I never really understood anything you’d tell me. To the point where I didn’t feel safe with you, I thought you had it out for me. Since then, I’ve had a change of heart. Since you left and since everything. And lately I’ve been thinking, I think I do, now. You know? More and more. I wasn’t sorry before, but I’m sorry now. All I knew was to fight, you have to understand. So now, I wonder, where’ve you gone?
Can you hear I’m smiling? I can’t help smiling, because I can hear you breathe on the other side of the line.